Who am I?

I was born in 1970, meaning that through no fault of my own (except perhaps poor planning) I've managed to miss most of the major world events of this century. With the notable exception of the O.J. Simpson car chase.

I enjoy amateur rhinoplasty, loitering, and Tibetan yak herding. It is my (some might say lofty) ambition to combine the three into one steroid-filled Olympic event.

I like starting sentences with "I". Microsoft has Word, and I have Letter. Having typed this, a lawsuit will probably jump out of the bushes and rip my pants on the way home from school.

Last July 1st, I got married. My spousal unit and I had admired each other from afar for years, toiling away as elves in Santa's workshop. Eventually wolves, tired of raising hapless young children that got lost in the forest, took matters into their own paws and kidnapped us. We were dragged across the country before our captors, dressed in sheep's clothing to escape detection, got mistakenly turned into sweaters and we were rescued. Soon to be a CBC miniseries starring Tom Cruise as myself, Elle Macpherson as Shannon and in a daring new role, Lucien Bouchard as the pack of wolves.

In June, Shannon and I will become parents. Of a bony, squirmy case of indigestion if the pregnancy is any indication.

Why should you care?

By this point you're probably saying to yourself, "Self, he sounds like a really swell guy and all, but why should I give a flying fig about him?"

Click here to find out about my world takeover plan.

Last updated on 15 May 1996 by John Aycock